THE PASTOR’S HOME
The family of the pastor is just like any other church family. They have many of the same needs, challenges, and successes as everyone else. But the obligations placed on the pastor’s family can be very taxing and difficult. The goal of this is not to compete for the description of “My Life Is Harder than Yours. “I do not want to overlook the various benefits and privileges that come with being a member of the pastor’s family. However, for the sake of this article, I want to talk about what leads to dysfunction in the pastor’s family and how to prevent it.
The Data
Any pastor should have an ideal family life, right? While requirements vary from community to congregation, most concur that a pastor’s residence should be immaculate (Titus 1:6). Despite the pressure a pastor and his family may feel to be flawless, perfection is unachievable. According to some data, the pastor’s family may be truly struggling rather than merely being “not ideal.”
The Matrimony Standard
According to a 2017 Barna survey that gathered information on 900 Protestant senior pastors, the average pastor’s family is doing well. For instance, 91% of pastors are “content” with their marriages, according to the report. Nevertheless, 10% were divorced, and 26% indicated they had “serious marital troubles” while serving in a pastoral capacity. However, I would add that prayer requests about difficult relationships, aloneness, and the typical grievance of feeling like a single parent are frequently posted in Facebook groups for pastors’ wives.
The Children
The pastor’s children are also included by the same Barna study. 42% of pastors said they wished they could spend more time with their kids. Sadly, 7% of pastors with children over the age of fifteen reported having a child who has totally rejected Christianity, and 34% of pastors with children over that age reported having at least one child who is no longer involved in church.
Overall, Generally
In the end, according to the Barna survey, 48% of the pastors who took part stated that their current role in a church “has been challenging for the family.” The results are not a perfect representation of every family in ministry, as is the case with any study. However, the study shows that a pastor’s work can lead to grief, hardship, and discontent among all family members.
Why is this happening? More significantly, what steps can we take to avoid this?
Christ Jesus Should be the Center of the Pastor’s family
Putting Jesus at the center of a ministry family should come naturally to them. After all, a pastor’s work is entirely focused on Christ! Undoubtedly, the pastor was called to his position because he demonstrated godly character and met the biblical qualifications for church leadership. Why, then, should we even discuss this? Since the pastor’s family does not always understand this.
A Starving Shepherd
Pastors get exhausted. I assure you, they are. A pastor’s wife stated, “A normal pastor, like my husband, prepares many messages per week for his Sunday School lesson, main morning service, Sunday evening service, and Wednesday service.” Pastors frequently have extra preaching opportunities during the week, in addition to counseling and other pastoral responsibilities. That’s a lot of studying in a week, all for others.
All the study times I indicated were for church work, not the pastor’s personal devotions. Pastors must make a conscious effort to spend time with the Lord in order to grow spiritually and learn. They often overlook this as they concentrate on spiritually nourishing everyone.
When the pastor is finally able to care for himself, he may be so exhausted that he collapses on the couch or simply goes to bed. Because work is done, the pastor may abandon Jesus at home.
Is the pastor so busy that he is not receiving spiritual nourishment? Or is he so weary that he forfeits his personal time with God?
Spiritual Leadership in the Family
Far more frequently than I would like to confess, I have seen minister families suffer the effects of a pastor’s spiritual negligence. These men are so preoccupied with serving others that they neglect to provide for their own families. Children raised in these settings grow up to mock the church and reject Christianity. They are nurtured in a family that ranks second to the congregation. Furthermore, children in these types of households are rarely taught why their fathers value church service because they are spiritual orphans who have been abandoned by their fathers for ministerial positions. This type of pastor delegates his responsibility to his wife and children’s ministry rather than taking the initiative to mentor his kids. This approach is ineffective and unbiblical.
The Solution
As a family, the pastor’s family must consciously concentrate on building their home around Christ. Living a Christ-centered life at home is not the same as being busy at church, even if it can seem like that is already happening when so much of life is focused on church activities. The family may maintain Jesus in the center by setting aside time for family devotions, praying together, talking about the sermons at home, and scheduling time for everyone—yes, even the pastor—to sit down and spend time alone with the Word.
Remember, pastor, that your spiritual guidance is required not only at church but also at home. If your husband is not doing this, kindly let him know, Pastor’s wife. He may not even be aware that it is an issue. And offer up prayers for him. He has a lot of work ahead of him.
The Church Is Subordinated to the Pastor’s Family
Because I am a pastor’s wife, I have been referred to as a “ministry widow” multiple times in recent years. Said the one pastor’s wife!. Although it was intended as an irony, the term has a really sinister connotation when you consider it. However, because their spouses are essentially dead to them, the phrase resonates with a lot of pastors’ wives. While their husbands give their all for the church, these women are left on their own to raise a family. So admirable. So affectionate. But that is just incorrect.
In principle, the church should be subordinated to the pastor’s family. In the meantime, the family must make sacrifices and accept decisions that prioritize them. It can be challenging for pastors’ families to maintain this sensitive equilibrium.
Make Family Time a Priority
First of all, although it may seem boring or uninteresting, schedule time with your family. When we, the family, are literally scheduled into his planner, my husband finds it much easier to save time for us. He just arranges his plans around the fact that we are written in. The family is included in his plan for the day and time.
After that, switch off your phone. Honestly. Switch it off. Everyone expects prompt responses because of technology. When the boss called your home phone, you were either having dinner or were not home, so you did not answer. Now, it makes no difference where you are or what you are doing. You had better respond. Being so accessible might be fantastic at times, but when do any of us get some privacy and a break?
You can switch off your phone while eating, but it may not always be feasible. Furthermore, you are not always required to respond while it is on. If it is not an emergency, glance at the caller and disconnect. Let your kids complete their story, put them to bed, or respond to your spouse’s query. Next, give them a call back. Even as a pastor, cell phones do not take precedence over the others in the room. Minister together if you do not have much time or if your stage of life does not permit you to dedicate a lot of time to your day. The entire family can participate in a variety of service projects.
Family Does Not Always Come First
Family cannot always come first when serving as a pastor. Perhaps we are going to enjoy a pleasant day together, but my spouse receives a call that completely alters our plans. The police are at a member’s home for a crisis event, a person has passed away, someone is in the hospital, there has been a horrific car accident, or fill in the blank.
My husband is needed somewhere else for what seems like an unending number of reasons. Is it practical? No, but it comes with being a member of the pastor’s family. We must be adaptable. We must acknowledge that others will come before us. It requires tolerance, understanding, and humility. Hence, nothing that comes easily to the majority of us. Therefore, there is nothing that comes easily to the majority of us. Can you now comprehend why having a solid spiritual foundation and leading a life centered on Christ is so important for the pastor’s family?
The Boundaries of the Pastor’s Family
Individuals who become pastors are probably the kind of individuals who are always willing to help. The pastor is a great resource for anyone in need of a ride, help relocating, some funds, or support navigating a challenging circumstance. What a lovely way to approach life! However, this willing and prepared mindset encounters certain difficulties when there are no limitations. In order to satisfy the wants of others, this individual turns into a doormat and ignores his family’s requirements.
Setting limits for a pastor can be challenging since some congregations think they own him. In order to avoid some difficult talks later, I suggest clarifying the boundaries before accepting a pastorate. However, it’s never too late to create them. Consequently, when necessary, establish those parameters.
A pastor’s family will create boundaries that are appropriate for their own needs. Although I am unable to specify such demands, I would like to urge all pastors’ families to establish some. As usual, I will give them some unpleasant news to cheer them up. You are going to let some folks down, ministry families. Others will be disappointed by your boundaries.
I believe this is the good news. No one can please everyone; therefore, even if you and your family have no boundaries, you will still disappoint somebody. A Christian’s only option is to follow the Lord’s example and walk obediently with Him. According to Colossians 3:23, our goal is to please or satisfy God, not man. In light of this, setting some boundaries for your family’s welfare is unquestionably preferable to not having any in an effort to satisfy everyone else’s demands. Be prepared to assign tasks, say “no,” and lower the priority of some things that are important to others.
The Need For Self-Care Is Essential
When the pastor’s family permits some self-care, their health improves significantly. No, “me time” is not what I mean. “Me time” is frequently depicted in culture as a time for selfishly delaying obligations and other people’s needs. It might be perceived as a period of self-indulgence. To be clear, then. That is not what I mean. Perhaps “me time” has a different meaning for you. That is also acceptable. I am not talking about me-time when I say “self-care.” I mean taking care of ourselves so that we can be in good enough bodily, mental, emotional, and spiritual health to serve the Lord. If we are burned out, ill, exhausted, emotionally depleted, or spiritually dehydrated, we are no good to anyone. How do we take care of ourselves to prevent that circumstance?
The Passion/Hobbies
Do whatever makes you happy. Spending time performing enjoyable activities that allow you to decompress or spark your creativity is good for your health. Make time for your hobbies, whether they are sports, crafts, music, writing, or anything else. Engaging in activities you enjoy is not selfish.
Health Matters
Exercise for physical health. Eat healthily. There are far too many ministry families that are completely sick. They put in so much effort that they do not have time to cook healthful meals and engage in physical activity. A person’s physique suffers when they constantly serve others while neglecting their basic physical necessities. The pastor’s family should set aside time in their calendar to prioritize their physical well-being. God has given us everything, and we should all take good care of it. Along with our bodies. It is not conceited to keep up our physical well-being. In other words, when we feel our best, we are more able to assist others.
Turn the Battery Off
If a child’s battery-operated toy is kept on all night while they sleep, what will happen to it? The child is unhappy when they wake up the following day because the toy has stopped functioning. The batteries have run out. You have the same “batteries.” There is a limit to how long they can go without stopping. The family of the pastor ought to take a vacation. I am referring to off. Disconnect. Take a short break from the church and your house. Naturally, this may appear to be a multi-week vacation, but it could just be a family day trip. This time away simply needs to be genuinely away.
This is what my family does whenever we require it. We are sometimes unable to take significant time off. After all, both money and time are limited. However, we make sure to set aside a day for ourselves. We do something—anything—after leaving the house. We make every effort to avoid church work and instead concentrate on spending time together as a family. Our kids have grown to cherish and anticipate this time spent together.
We cannot always accomplish this in the actual world. To be honest, there are times when we are powerless. The pastor’s family should, in my opinion, always aim for the ideal I am portraying here. A recharge requires the family to connect and bond outside of the church setting.
Conclusion
There is a target on the back of Christians. They are the target of Satan. That may sound dramatic, but it is scriptural. “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour.” 1 Peter 5:8
Although Satan cannot separate us from God (John 10:28), he may undoubtedly render us ineffectual gospel preachers if we lose sight of the foundation of our faith in Christ. The pastor’s family will undoubtedly face spiritual assault or persecution. Families of pastors must have solid bonds that are firmly grounded in the Lord and prepared to face challenges head-on.
The duties and pressures of pastoral ministry have a detrimental effect on families, according to statistics. We do not need to wait and hope that we do not fit the negative statistics. We are more aware of the effects of a dysfunctional pastor’s family than leaders were decades ago. Let us put what we know to use and position ourselves for success. We are more aware of the negative effects of a dysfunctional pastor’s family than leaders from decades ago. Let us put our knowledge to use and position ourselves for success in the Bible way.
